Reptile Forum, Reptile Classifieds - CaptiveBred

Scott W · Posted: Mon Feb 05, 2007 1:08 pm Post subject: court room humour

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts, and are things

people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now

published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while

these exchanges were actually taking place:

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the car impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you

forgot?

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that

morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan.

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his

sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one..

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh....

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition

notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead

people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?

What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an

autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a

pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you

began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and

practicing law.
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JStroud · Posted: Mon Feb 05, 2007 1:28 pm Post subject:

I love the Doctor ones Laughing

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Regards James Stroud

H.S. · Key Member Joined: 02 Nov 2006 Posts: 481 Location: Kent

My wife is an 'Expert Witness', she says that she would love to be able to give some of those replies, unfortunately, you can't get away with it over here because the Judges wouldn't be happy. But apparently in America you can.
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Cleef · Posted: Mon Feb 05, 2007 2:53 pm Post subject:

They are brilliant hahah
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Steve P

Amie · Contributing Member Joined: 06 Jan 2007 Posts: 63

Whilst going through a particulary messy divorce, i had the misfortune to meet my ex in the courtrooms, he was too tight to pay for a good brief, so the moron decided to defend himself.

As the ever patient Judge tried to give him some direction my ex promptly turned round and said

``But Mi Lud, i know what im doing cos ive seen a bit on the telly``

There was a scrummage of people bending down to retrieve their pens off the floor, stiffling giggles. Laughing

Jas · Posted: Sat Feb 10, 2007 12:33 pm Post subject:

Loved the last one Laughing

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slippery42 · Posted: Sat Feb 10, 2007 1:49 pm Post subject: humour

Thanks for that my wife just came runnng in wondering why I was laughing so much!!!
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Amie · Contributing Member Joined: 06 Jan 2007 Posts: 63

needless to say, i was granted the divorce with a sympathetic smile from all present Razz

it was pure comedy

HerpCrazy!!! · Posted: Sun Feb 11, 2007 4:04 am Post subject:

Ha ha, its true that the best humour is a parody of life lol. Smile

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