Reptile Forum, Reptile Classifieds - CaptiveBred

[Jas]

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite
> tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another
> song you like and hum that instead.
>
> CINEMA goers: Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having
> a 'wee' before the film starts.
>
> RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by
> actually speaking clearly in the first place.
>
> DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your
> identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with
> your old bank statements.
>
> WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red
> wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove
> the stains.
>
> SOLDIERS: Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial
> tomfoolery after a trip to Truprint.
>
> MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to
> yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
>
> BURGLARS: When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking
> out at 90?, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their
> dogs on you.
>
> EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the
> CVs into the bin.
>
> MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to
> the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save
> your wife from having to do it.
>
> GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by
> Royal Mail.
>
> BANGING: two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a
> very small horse is approaching.
>
> BLIND PEOPLE: Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not
> wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
>
> ALCOHOL: makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
>
> DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn
> and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send
> them on their way.
>
> PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving
> everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the
> morning, simply move it all back again.
>
> CAR thieves: Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the
> valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
>
> DEPRESSED people: Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help',
> simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
>
> MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving.
> Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think
> you are listening to the sea.
>
> JEREMY Beadle: When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in
> your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.
>
> SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.
>
> SINGLE men: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing
> outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and
> occasionally glancing inside.
>
> BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg
> into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph.
> After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.
>
> ALCOHOLICS: don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the
> pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.
>
> McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend
> in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

[Scott W]

some great ones there! I'll try the ipod one later!