Reptile Forum, Reptile Classifieds - CaptiveBred

[Jas]

> A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
>
> Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
>
> "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
> You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
>
> The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
>
> The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
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[Jas]

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the
>>>> > background checks,
>>>> > interviews and testing were done, there were 3
>>>> > finalists...two
>>>> > men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took
>>>> > one of the
>>>> > men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must
>>>> > know that you
>>>> > will follow your instructions no matter what the
>>>> > circumstances. Inside
>>>> > the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... "Kill
>>>> > Her !!"
>>>> > The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my
>>>> > wife." The
>>>> > agent said, "then you're not the right man for this job,
>>>> > take your wife
>>>> > and go home."
>>>> > The second man was given the same instructions. He took the
>>>> > gun and
>>>> > went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The
>>>> > man came
>>>> > out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my
>>>> > wife."
>>>> > The agent said, "you don't have what it takes, take your
>>>> > wife and go
>>>> > home."
>>>> > Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same
>>>> > instructions,
>>>> > to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the
>>>> > room. Shots
>>>> > were heard, one after another. They heard screaming,
>>>> > crashing, banging
>>>> > on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
>>>> > The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the
>>>> > sweat from
>>>> > her brow. "This gun was loaded with blanks" she said. "I
>>>> > had to beat
>>>> > him to death with the chair."
>>>> > MORAL: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.
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[Budsteam]

First one is best short joke I heard for a long time

[Xx_JoJo_xX]

Haha, the second one was good
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[tiger!!]

On the first day, God created the dog and said:
"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I 'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family For this, I will give you a lifespan of sixty Years." The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But man said: "Only twenty years ? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for the first twenty years men eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years they slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years they do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years they sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you
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[JStroud]

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Regards James Stroud