Reptile Forum, Reptile Classifieds - CaptiveBred

[serpent]

An essex blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.
It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"


Husband and wife in bed together.
She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.
She:"Oh that feels good."
His hand moves to her breast.
She: "Gee, honey that feels wonderful."
His hand moves to her leg.
She: "Oh, honey, don't stop."
But he stops.
She: "Why did you stop?"
He:"I found the remote."


A blonde decides to try horseback riding, despite having had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to
safety. Unfortunately for the blonde, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup and is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. Her head is battered against the ground, mere moments away from unconsciousness when...
The store manager runs out to shut the horse off.



THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD (its supposed to be sh1t but it got changed )

Well, it's 'poo' ... that's right, 'poo'!
'poo' may just be the most functional word in the English language.

Consider:
You can get 'poo'-faced, Be 'poo'-out-of-luck, Or have 'poo' for brains.

With a little effort, you can get your 'poo' together, find a place for your 'poo', or be asked to 'poo' or get off the pot.

You can smoke 'poo', buy 'poo', sell 'poo', lose 'poo', find 'poo', forget 'poo', and tell others to eat 'poo'.

Some people know their 'poo', while others can't tell the difference between 'poo' and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull 'poo', horse 'poo', and chicken 'poo'.
You can throw 'poo', sling 'poo', catch 'poo', shoot the 'poo', or duck when the 'poo' hits the fan.

You can give a 'poo' or serve 'poo' on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep 'poo' or be happier than a pig in 'poo'.

Some days are colder than 'poo', some days are hotter than 'poo', and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like 'poo', things can look like 'poo', and there are times when you feel like 'poo'.

You can have too much 'poo', not enough 'poo', the right 'poo', the wrong 'poo' or a lot of weird 'poo'.

You can carry 'poo', have a mountain of 'poo', or find yourself up 'poo' creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to 'poo' and other times you fall in a bucket of 'poo' and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your 'poo', you don't need to know anything else!!

You could pass this along, if you give a 'poo'; or not do so if you don't give a 'poo'!

Well, 'poo', it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a 'poo' and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of 'poo'. But, if you happened to catch a load of 'poo' from some 'poo'-head...........
Well, 'poo' Happens!!!



A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house.
Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything
quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the line that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."



Reasons Why Women Are Like Soccer Pitches

1. There is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, thus varying the quality of the play.
2. Pitches vary from the well-grassed to the completely bald.
3. Remember it is possible to score at both ends, but one end per 45 minutes is favourable.
4. Tackling from behind is not always an offence - check with ground owner.
5. Be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of Premiership standard but in reality would not even be eligible as a council dumping ground.
6. Only some grounds offer five-a-side facilities.
7. Don't ever make public your desires to play at Wembley also never mention pitches previously visited. 8. Extra time is dependent on subsequent pitch bookings.
9. If the ground does not seem to have under-soil heating suggest calling the game off, possibly even contact coroner.
10. When building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman at the back.
11. Wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles.
12. Always tread carefully when leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel.
13. Personal morals may be compromised by local derbies.
14. It is illegal to play on small, unturfed pitches.
15. From time-to-time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbent goalie.
16. Russian grounds are frequently more grassy.
17. Very few grounds are found with executive boxes.
18. Be wary of grounds with room for coaches.
19. Always be on the look out for grounds that host ladies football two evenings a week




"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap
every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."
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People laugh at me because I am different
I laugh at them because they are all the same.

[Morbid]

_________________
*** Miqe ***


Assumption is the Mother of all f***ups.